Something was wrong. I couldn’t shake it. I had been a little under the weather, but my home remedies weren’t working this time. On his way out the door to work, my husband told me to call the doctor, so I did. Although feeling a little out of it, I was able to drive myself to my primary care who was on main street. It was a classic New England summer day stifling and saturated in humidity during an all too familiar heatwave. In the waiting room filled with summer attire, I wore a fleece jacket over my floor length sundress which draped down to my ankles. Waiting for my name to be called I shivered uncontrollably.
When ushered in to see the doctor, right out of the chute her vibe was unwelcoming, as if she was tolerating me and couldn’t be bothered. Like, I was interrupting her day job. She said I had a fever and wanted to prescribe me some meds although she wasn’t sure what was wrong with me. I questioned, “Then how do you know what meds to give me?” Glassy eyed, I proceeded to shiver and go downhill in her presence while it was 90+ degrees outside. I guess that wasn’t enough of a clue. Whatever! When she dismissed me I managed to drive myself home, then laid on the couch to rest. I figured a nap would do me good.
I faded in and out of the quiet of our living room, tossing and turning until the commotion of murmured voices grew loud with frenzied festivity. Yet it felt like a quiet calm. I brushed hair from my face to see what was happening, what the buzz was all about. There was so much activity. Amidst the fine dust all I could see was a sea of linen, sheep skin, cloaks, wool, I mean like all kinds of different shades of earth tone garments being carried by so many bare feet and sandals kicking up dust with each stride as they walked along some old worn trail.
Because of my weak condition, I was on my knees getting a different perspective of whatever they were looking at, yet I never got trampled on. Isn’t that crazy?! While tossing and turning on the couch I knew I had a right to be among the sandals, to watch, seek and be curious. I found myself tossing and muttering promises that would be challenging to keep on my own strength.
Although dusty, dirty, worn out, hair a mess, broken and tired, it’s weird but I felt like I mattered. And somehow I knew at this moment, that I wasn’t invisible even though it was pure bedlam amongst the hems, feet and sandals. Man there were so many feet.
Despite cultural lies I have received throughout my life, regardless of my status as a woman, something in me prodded that I had a right to be in the crowd and reach for life. I had a right to cry because that’s what girls do and I had a right to yearn and search for the healing truth of my brokenness.
The peaceful chaos stirred something in me to reach and to ask for God only knows what, but to reach. Because I wanted to believe I mattered and that I am uniquely made like everyone else, I determined to believe in Hope.
In the middle of the crowded dusty frenzy, I wanted to believe with all my heart that He would know it was me touching the fringe of his garment, so I reached through the crowd to grab it and held on for dear life with my heart. Not in a dramatic way, but an authentic way. I just wanted to say, “Hello, it’s me, here I am!”
Then the man in the cloak said, “Who was it that touched me?” (link)
Grasping with my fingertips, I continued to lay on the couch in peace.
When Curtis came home from work he asked, “How are you doing?”
“Oh I’m Fine.” I smiled, happy to see him.
He felt my forehead, took my temp and remained calm as he went into combat mode. He stated, “I’m taking you to the ER Tammy Sue, your temperature is 105, you’re burning up!”
The ER said I had a kidney infection and it was a good thing Curtis got me there when he did. It took several weeks to get my strength back. Walking a few feet wiped me out. Anyone who knows me, knows I love to walk miles.
Can I tell you I changed doctors!
No matter how rough it gets, how much dirt is on me, how sick I am, how insignificant I feel, I learned that I am valuable, uniquely made, precious and I most certainly matter to the man whose cloak I grabbed. He welcomed it!
“…because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” (link)
Do you ever feel like you’re on the side-lines? Never picked for the team? Not wanted, not valued, invisible? Insignificant? Looking for physical or emotional healing? What false messages have you received that keep you down? Don’t let lies keep you from seeking and knowing truth.
If Jesus knows everything, why did He ask who touched him? I believe He wants us to hear our own voice proclaim what our heart is seeking!
“Hope will have its way, if you let it.” TSW
PS I am sharing the experience of something that happened a few years back.
Very moving, Tammy Sue! A beautiful way to weave your reality with the Bible story. I’ve felt invisible, not wanted, never picked for the team. Through God I know that’s not true, and through Stewart I feel that it’s not true. He makes me feel worthy and he says I make him feel worthy. You wrote something we all feel at one time or another. As always, your use of words is beautiful; i.e. “stifling and saturated in humidity in an all too familiar heat wave.” So glad you had a good outcome from the sickness.